A New Chapter

What should I do now? I am once again dilemma. She apologized and confessed her feelings towards me weeks ago. Deep inside my heart, I wanted to get back in relationship with her but I dont know why I am holding myself back. Can I really just forgive and forget? I dont know.

We spent alot of quality time together after she came back from Penang last month, we even went to Genting for a short vacation. I must say that I am really happy during this period, I can felt that there is alot of love between the both of us and both our heart is calling for each other.

We talked through on our relationship. I make it clear to her that I dont want it to be a patch back relationship and this is just not the right time yet. When the time comes, I wanted it to be a NEW relationship without any connection with the previous. I wanted to view her as a new friend, get to know her more day after day. Staying out from relationship enable us both to reveal our true color, we have our own friends, life, privacy and space. I believe that this is a good alternative but what I think and what inside my heart is different. My heart is calling strongly to be with her but I know that if we were to step back into relationship without a stable mutual understanding, we are risking for a 2nd heartbreaks, wasnt it?

I even scrapped the idea of moving in and staying together at this moment. I know that if we were to move in and stay together now, we are indirectly agree to get back together. Its better for us to remain as friends (close good friends) for now. We will see how things get and how comfortable our friendship goes by end of this year then only we decide. I hope that we can really get to understand one another without letting our previous feelings cloud our judgement within this period and let our hearts do the calling; if we were meant for one another..

There is a saying goes by; "There Will Always Be Rainbow/Sunshine After The Rain".. I hope its for real. I am really looking forward to A New Chapter..

17 Again

Went to watch this movie (17 Again) on last Thursday. The story is about "popular high school senior Mike O'Donnell seemingly has it all. He is a star athlete headed straight for a college scholarship when he decides to give it up to settle down with his high school girlfriend Scarlett. Twenty years later, an adult Mike finds his life is not exactly what he expected. He is separated from his wife, Scarlett and.... ............. bla bla bla... .............. ..... ........ Through his experiences, Mike realizes that he had chosen the perfect life he just never appreciated it". Whoever that had watched this movie, you will have a better idea on what I am talking about.

I felt that there is quite a similarity in myself with Mike O'Donnell in this movie. Both of us had a perfect life, both of us give it up to settle down with our loves one. Later on, althought we never regret on the decision we made but we kept blaming the fact that our life does not turned up the way we expected because we give up so much to settle down with our loves one and think that "what I am going through now, I dont deserve it" and "I gave up all this for you", although we never voice it out directly but it is in our heart all this while. Both of us, throughout the years of marriage, we dont feel good, everything we done just dont seem perfect. In the movie, Mike claims that he done alot for the backyard of their house which he only spents 2hours on it and the next 3days complaining over it. This scenario is exactly like me! Throughout my 3yrs relationship, I done nothing for real, she is the one that doing all the jobs, I only know how to talk and instruct her what to do. I had been living in the past, I always felt that she should feel lucky to be with me but I am so wrong!! Just like in this movie, we had been living and envying our past so we ended up jeoperdize both our marriage and career. But Mike is lucky, he got the chance to transform back to when he is 17 and realized that he had chosen the perfect life but he never appreciated it so he start to make things better and yes he got a second chance!

Throughout my separation with her, I had came to realized alot of things including that it is me that should feel lucky to be someone as special as her, without her I am no where today, I will still be some rich brat kids driving around in town on luxurios car and spending money like water taps, hitting clubs/pubs when the night falls etc. I wont understand the meaning of life or love, I wont had learn to grown up and make decisions. Whatever I gave up to be with her 3yrs ago, I did it for something that I really want, a decision I made on my own like an adult, I want to change, I want something better. I want to change for something even better than what I used to have, together with her, something wealth and money cant buy, something that doesnt exist in my parental family..

If I could turn back the clock or be transform back to 3yrs ago, I will still choose this path again but I will do it better this time around; to be in love with her, to feel her love, to be with her even for just a day and to see her smile, its worth everything.. I had just jeoperdize everything for living in my past, I regretted it, I regretted for not treating her the right way, I regretted for taking her for granted, I regretted that I never know how to appreciate the perfect life that I had chosen..