Road Divided Into Two

Well.. It had been almost a week since I last met her. Had been drinking day n night since the day she went away. Feeling rather sober today, I decided to blog. Went to RedBox today with few of my classmates for a 'stress releasing' session but ended up having a 'emo' session to myself. While singing few of the emotional songs, tears were running down my cheeks as I still cant find a way to forget her nor to let go our relationship. I guess none of them saw I dropped tears as the room was dark and we were sitting in a row. LOL!! After RedBox, I joined another batch of my classmate for a dip in the pool, had quite a fun time.

I am in dilemma now. Roads ahead of me was divided into two;

1. To win her heart back.
2. To let go and forget about her.

I dont know which route should I choose. If I could, I rather choose not to choose at all. I dont want to make a wrong choice. Whatever decision I made now is going to have a lifetime impact on both of us. Based on what we went through since the 1st day we were together and the nature call deep inside my heart, I wanted to win her love back. Frankly, deep inside my heart, I cant live without her, this separation and the way she broke my heart does not made my love towards her faded at all. For once, I really understand the meaning of lonely and I knew I cant live without her. She means to much to me. As for my love towards her were sincere and pure. I knew that if I played my cards right from now, I can win her heart back, its just a matter of time.

After all that she had done, can I really forgive and forget? Sigh! Yes, I can. I seriously mean it, I can really forgive and forget if she willing to change and walk the path of future sincerely with me. Alot of my friends asked me to let go and forget about her and that I am better off without her. Its easier to say than done. My love towards her was sincere and pure since the 1st day, how can I just let go? I cant! I really cant! I rather let go my life than to let go this relationship. We had came from such a long and hard way, our love story were written from upside down.

Am I ready to risk it again? What if I choosen to be with her and she never changed? What if the history repeat itself? I cant take the same shot for twice, it would cost my life for sure. If I choose to let go and forget about her, what if I cant find one better than her? Or as simple as, what if I cant find one that really makes me in love as much as this relationship? If so, I will be living in this past and full of regrets.

A friend of mine once told me this; "lets say you really likes to eat steak and your life is all about steak, then 1day when you went over to the restaurant and found out that steak is no longer available but there is alot more other options such as chicken, salmon, lobsters etc and you decide to try it, turn out the alternate choices is just as good as steak or even better. Dont you think it is abit stupid/dumb to keep thinking about how delicious/good the steak is when there's no more steak anymore and the alternate was jus as good? Maybe now you might think you will never settle for anything less than a steak but maybe, just maybe when you can stop thinking and imaging how things will be with steak, you will learn to accept and like other alternatives, by learning to do so, one day you will be able to think about steak and not have any other feels other than some good happy sweet memories". This make sense and she got a point there but I am not buying it at this moment yet.

All I wanted to do now is to go with the flow and let fate decide. If we are meant to be together, we will be, if not then let it just remain as memories. I had oath not to be influence by anyone, this is my life, its my choice, you can take away anything from me but one thing for sure, you cant take away my dignity. I wanted to start everything afresh again. I wanted to imagine her as a new friend I yet to know, a new person. Everyone deserve a second chance. Even if we were to get together in the future, I wouldnt want it to be a patch back relationship, let it be a fresh one, a NEW relationship.

I had made a wrong judgement on you 3yrs ago, the Amy that I falled in love with 3yrs ago is not the Amy that I knew today. You had changed. Yet, you still had my heart with you. I will rejudge you and rejudge myself as well. Who I am today is not who I am the other day, they said 'whatever that dont kill you, makes you stronger'. Am I worthy for you and are you worthy for me? Are we meant for each another? Time will let us to show our true self, then only we decide if we wanted to start a NEW relationship. I will never let my previous feelings cloud my judgement..