I'll Be Right Here Waiting For Your Return

Specially dedicated to that someone special..

I walk quietly behind you
Led by a single candle light
As your path becomes darker
My candle will become bright

Your road ahead may be glorious
With no reason to turn around
But come the first sign of rain
I will always be easily found

Sometimes the road may narrow
With hills impossible to climb
My hands will be there for you
With needed force from behind

There are obstacles that lay ahead
May cause you to stumble and fall
I'll always be there to lift you up
And hold you until you stand tall

Not chosen to walk beside you
I will gladly assume my place
For I will always love you
With these tears on my face..

Never Ending Financial Problem

Stress!! I am so stressed out!! SWT!! Financial problem had been haunting me since last year 2008 November! My commitment was sky high and my income just cant make the ends meet. Just to list down the very basic of my monthly expenses before the economy crisis hits;

• House loan installment repayment - RM1998
• Car1 loan installment repayment - RM850
• Car2 loan installment repayment - RM600
• Insurance monthly premium - RM586
• Credit card repayment - RM3000
• Petrol - RM1200 (each car RM20/day)
• Tol - RM200 (reload RM100 for each T&G for each car)
• Parking - RM200
• Maxis bill- RM300
• Electric bill - RM200
• Water bill - RM50
• Streamyx bill - RM150
• Food/Meals - RM1800 (RM30/day x2person)
• Misc - RM1000 (movies, clubbing, dining, shopping, etc)

Total?? RM12K+-!! In reality, how many youngster (below 23 y.o.) can generate this much income to bear this sky-high expenses monthly? We went through all this without a penny/cent from both families. So please dont comment that I came from a rich family. What I have today is what I earned out from ZERO. I am really grateful and thank god that I had such a fruitful income, we managed to pull it over and there is still room for saving. But as the saying goes 'good thing doesnt last for long', this all was before the economy crisis hits in November 2008.

From a 5-figure income, it drops to an average of RM3k per month. A very drastic drop huh? RM3k is still a huge amount to alot of people but as you can see from my monthly commitment, it just simply cant make it. So I started slashing down my expenses. Make the comparison.

• House loan installment repayment - RM1998
• Car1 loan installment repayment - RM850
• Car2 loan installment repayment - RM600
• Insurance monthly premium - RM586
• Credit card repayment - RM1000
• Petrol - RM900 (each car RM20/day)
• Tol - RM150+- (pay on cash basis)
• Parking - RM100 (more illegal parking)
• Maxis bill- RM250
• Electric bill - RM150
• Water bill - RM30
• Streamyx bill - RM120
• Food/Meals - RM1200 (RM20/day x2person)

Total?? RM7834! As I mentioned earlier, monthly income had dropped to an average of RM3k per month since November 2008, so how did I survive this? Nothing much but to 'korek' from bank account about an average of RM5k per month just to make end meets. A drastic slashed down on shopping, travel, dining and leisure. The metaphore of "shopping cures every gal sadness" doesnt applies here anymore. LOL!! This is before our separation.

Now, June 2009, a month after separation, below is my monthly expenses;

• House loan installment repayment - RM1000
• Car loan installment repayment - RM600
• Insurance monthly premium - RM168
• Petrol - RM600
• Tol - RM100+- (pay on cash basis)
• Parking - RM80
• Maxis bill- RM125
• Food/Meals - RM600

Total?? RM3273!! Damn..!! Still sky-high with ZERO income!! I wonder how a wager-earner of RM800-RM1200 survived??

Look...!! What left in my account?? RM1.08 on Monday 22nd June 2009 22:23pm! Not only that but I am drowned with a heavy debt too. Check it out below;

• Summon (PDRM) - RM2200 (18 summons)
• Lynette - RM4800 (borrowed RM4.8K from her 2mths back)
• Insurance - RM586 (May 09)
• Utilities bills - RM830 (March+Apr+May+Jun)
• Car1 loan - RM1700 (Apr+May)
• House loan - RM1998 (May)
• SKYNET - RM4465.20
• Maxis - RM935.97 (Feb-Jun)
• Income tax 2008 - RM2800
• Income tax 2009 - RM1200
• AEON credit card - RM3019
• UOB credit card - RM3128
• EON credit card - RM2991
• HLB credit card - RM3589

Total debts at this moment?? RM35k+- Gosh!! Someone please tell me that the bridge is covered nowadays..

Another Day Without You

Another day,
Another line.
You choose this,
time after time.

I'll write yet another,
poem about why I'm sad.
I'm so sick of it all,
I miss feeling glad.

I'm tired of writing,
these poems that never put me at ease.
If someone knows the way out of this heartache,
Don't hesistate to tell me, please.

People say "You'll be okay",
And smile right at you.
And your thinking, "Yeah right, you don't know what I'm going through".

Do you know what it's like to feel,
like you'll never feel happy?
Or what it's like to feel like you have to scratch your eyes out,
Just so you couldn't see?

Even as I write these words,
my breath is filled with sighs.
Because they remind me of you,
so I slowly begin to cry...

It's not fair,
this feeling that's left me bare.
It's not fair that I'm still missing you,
and you don't even care.

You made that obvious,
when you let my world turn dark.
I stare lifelessy at everyone,
On my heart, you left a mark...

Road Divided Into Two

Well.. It had been almost a week since I last met her. Had been drinking day n night since the day she went away. Feeling rather sober today, I decided to blog. Went to RedBox today with few of my classmates for a 'stress releasing' session but ended up having a 'emo' session to myself. While singing few of the emotional songs, tears were running down my cheeks as I still cant find a way to forget her nor to let go our relationship. I guess none of them saw I dropped tears as the room was dark and we were sitting in a row. LOL!! After RedBox, I joined another batch of my classmate for a dip in the pool, had quite a fun time.

I am in dilemma now. Roads ahead of me was divided into two;

1. To win her heart back.
2. To let go and forget about her.

I dont know which route should I choose. If I could, I rather choose not to choose at all. I dont want to make a wrong choice. Whatever decision I made now is going to have a lifetime impact on both of us. Based on what we went through since the 1st day we were together and the nature call deep inside my heart, I wanted to win her love back. Frankly, deep inside my heart, I cant live without her, this separation and the way she broke my heart does not made my love towards her faded at all. For once, I really understand the meaning of lonely and I knew I cant live without her. She means to much to me. As for my love towards her were sincere and pure. I knew that if I played my cards right from now, I can win her heart back, its just a matter of time.

After all that she had done, can I really forgive and forget? Sigh! Yes, I can. I seriously mean it, I can really forgive and forget if she willing to change and walk the path of future sincerely with me. Alot of my friends asked me to let go and forget about her and that I am better off without her. Its easier to say than done. My love towards her was sincere and pure since the 1st day, how can I just let go? I cant! I really cant! I rather let go my life than to let go this relationship. We had came from such a long and hard way, our love story were written from upside down.

Am I ready to risk it again? What if I choosen to be with her and she never changed? What if the history repeat itself? I cant take the same shot for twice, it would cost my life for sure. If I choose to let go and forget about her, what if I cant find one better than her? Or as simple as, what if I cant find one that really makes me in love as much as this relationship? If so, I will be living in this past and full of regrets.

A friend of mine once told me this; "lets say you really likes to eat steak and your life is all about steak, then 1day when you went over to the restaurant and found out that steak is no longer available but there is alot more other options such as chicken, salmon, lobsters etc and you decide to try it, turn out the alternate choices is just as good as steak or even better. Dont you think it is abit stupid/dumb to keep thinking about how delicious/good the steak is when there's no more steak anymore and the alternate was jus as good? Maybe now you might think you will never settle for anything less than a steak but maybe, just maybe when you can stop thinking and imaging how things will be with steak, you will learn to accept and like other alternatives, by learning to do so, one day you will be able to think about steak and not have any other feels other than some good happy sweet memories". This make sense and she got a point there but I am not buying it at this moment yet.

All I wanted to do now is to go with the flow and let fate decide. If we are meant to be together, we will be, if not then let it just remain as memories. I had oath not to be influence by anyone, this is my life, its my choice, you can take away anything from me but one thing for sure, you cant take away my dignity. I wanted to start everything afresh again. I wanted to imagine her as a new friend I yet to know, a new person. Everyone deserve a second chance. Even if we were to get together in the future, I wouldnt want it to be a patch back relationship, let it be a fresh one, a NEW relationship.

I had made a wrong judgement on you 3yrs ago, the Amy that I falled in love with 3yrs ago is not the Amy that I knew today. You had changed. Yet, you still had my heart with you. I will rejudge you and rejudge myself as well. Who I am today is not who I am the other day, they said 'whatever that dont kill you, makes you stronger'. Am I worthy for you and are you worthy for me? Are we meant for each another? Time will let us to show our true self, then only we decide if we wanted to start a NEW relationship. I will never let my previous feelings cloud my judgement..

Just A Dream

I woke up early this morning
in this bed that is so cold
Half asleep I reached for you
There was nothing there to hold..

Last night I had the best dream
You had never told me goodbye.
That you were not coming back
was someone telling a cruel lie..

Smell of perfume on your pillow
I struggle to hold back the tear
The chill sweeps through my body
as reality whispers in my ear

My love for you is not fading
Still not sure what went wrong
Lying here frozen in my bed
I refuse to believe that you're gone..

I give your hug to your pillow
Wish that all is not what it seems
I would close my eyes forever
If we were together in my dreams..

I Cant Stop Crying Today

I can't stop crying today
My world walked out the door
With her she took my heart
For I will love no more

The hours passed like seconds
When our two hearts were one
The seconds passed like hours
After she said that she was done

She was going to love me forever
At least that is what she said
Her heart belonged to someone else
That is what her heart read

I no longer live in color
My world is black and white
I always wonder what she is doing
As I lie awake at night

I hope tomorrow is better
This is what I pray
But right now my heart is broken
I can't stop crying today..

If I Let You Go

Day after day
Time passed away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows, I hide it inside I keep on searching but I can't find..

The courage to show to letting you know
I've never felt so much love before
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go?

Night after night I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you
You speak to my heart
It's such a shame we're worlds apart

I'm too shy to ask
I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I gotta choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go?

If I let you go ooooh babe
Ooooooooohhhhh ...

Once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out Ooooooooohhhhh...

The Day You Went Away..

Date is 13th June 2009. Time: 1515.

That is the last time I saw you, the very last time we see each other without even bidding goodbye.

Had lunch together with your mum n bro, it seem so awkward for the very 1st time althought it is not the 1st time we dine together, neither of us was smilling, just faking it throughout the meal.. Why is this happening?

You are supposed to go back today (14th June 09), I thought I will get another chance to see you again last night or this morning. But the sudden changed of plan and the insistent of your mum to go back last night really left me speechless.. I dont even have the chance to say goodbye to you..

Althought we had agreed to break up 2weeks back but our unsettled stuffs drags us on together until now, I was very depressed on the first few days when we agreed to break up but the pain was nothing compared to what I went through last night. I really felt so lonely for the very first time after 3yrs.. I really cant take it.. It feels like its the end of the world for me. Althought we broke up 2weeks back but I still get the chance to see you but now, you were far away.. real far.. Our love had come to an end.. This is the benchmark; 1110 days we had been together.. Its over by now, we were letting go something special, something we will never have again..

Last night was a real long and tough night for me.. I tried to get myself drunk so that I dont have to think of anything but it seems like the alcohol just doesnt work for me! From Chivas to Jack Daniel to Carlsberg Beer to Flaming Lambo to Whisky.. I took all of them as if I am drinking plain water, I dont feel anything at all as my heart was so broken, tears were running down my cheeks, my whole body is so weak, I felt like dying.. I can felt that I am flying high by the end of night but one thing for sure is that I am still sober of; is that I missed you like hell...

Back to the bed, I am drop dead but I cant sleep, I am turning right n left, up n down but I cant find you beside me anymore.. For the very first time, you were not beside me on the bed.. I cant help myself but cried all long, the night seems so long without you.. You were gone.. I look around n around again but all I can see if the memory of your face, nothing else.. just empty space...

I dont know how to get on with my life now, I am lost for direction. I dont see any point of life right now.. There is nothing else left for me.. The day that I am scared and afraid of had finally arrived; our separation day! I cant live without you, I am missing you like crazy right now.. I dont know what else I could say because I cant seem to find the right word to describe my feelings right now.. My world is so dark right now, I am lost.. I cant see anything, lost in darkness.. God, please enlight me.. Please tell me what should I do, teach me how to get on with this life, I need strength, I cant hold on for long.. I dont know when I will just walk to the bridge or the tallest building and just let go myself.. I cant hold it anymore..

Home Sweet Home

For Sale!!

Property Type: 3-storey terrace link
Location: Venture Heights, South Cheras, Kuala Lumpur
Tenure of Land: Freehold Price: RM600,000 (negotiable)

Built-up: 2,508 s.f., 20×70, 5bedrooms 4bathrooms

Property Developer: Bangsar Heights-MKL Sdn Bhd

Front View

Dining Hall, Kitchen
Kitchen
Staircase

Second Floor Master Bedroom
Second Floor Living Area
Bedroom II

Bedroom III

Third Floor Super Master Room

Washroom

Any taker? RM600,000.00 Only! Price highly negotiable. Urgent sale! I am the owner, not real estate agent. Please PM or call me directly to arrange.